December 6, 2016

Evolution


As the years go on and another new year is upon us, many of us have learned to take care our own needs because the men, for one reason or another, fall short of being adequate in our lives.  Now, of course we women need to analyze what we need vs what we want and what we can live with vs what we can do without.  We also need to accept the fact that men do not think and speak like us.  Understanding is key.

Understand most men are like children...acting before accessing.  Yes, they grow into men but, they can still behave in the simplest boyish notions. 😑😔😕😞 Evolution has a funny way of skipping certain details.

**My father even irritates my soul when when he says or does things without giving full thought to it...and this man is damn near a genius. 😫

I am also becoming the woman who will be married before anyone even knows that I have someone in my life. ✋ Unless it is necessary for you to know, then as far as I am concerned, everything about him is not your business.  At most, I'll share with my friends and family the basic details but, with everyone else...."Yeah, there's a man I like."

I have learned over the years that privacy is very important, for your relationship and for yourself.  A friend and I had this discussion the other day, not everyone needs to know your every plan or your next step.  She brought up a great point, When people are privy to insight into your life they begin to feel entitled to continue to know more...further giving or enforce their own opinions onto you.  Sometimes you can receive advice without really asking for it.


I have good people around me and I know they will not refer their thoughts to me absent of their genuine concerns but, I also like to give myself the chance to identify what I can change before seeking guidance.  And when they do share their input, I welcome it, whether or not it is in favor of what I feel about it.  As we grow through life we ideally should learn to take in the world around us and see the benefits of each crack.

As stubborn as I can be, I am open to opposing views and can appreciate the different perspectives.  We cannot evolve if we remain one dimensional. 

- Love Raya


EMAIL: xoxo.rayal@gmail.com


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November 24, 2016

Wishing You Well

 These two have been raising me just as much as I have been raising them.
They are learning to be good people and I am learning to be a good adult.
💖😁


There were other photos where we looked "perfect"...all of us facing the camera with a soft smile, and a generic pose but, this one says more about Us.


They are just as untamed as their mother.


Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, we wish you well.

Below is looking back to 2013... 🕑






EMAIL: xoxo.rayal@gmail.com

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November 20, 2016

The Men We Entertain

Generally, men aren't slow and they can comprehend what you tell them; 
He just doesn't think in the same way you do. You can easily misunderstand his thoughts or over exaggerated his actions to appease your insecurity about him.


We all know, I don't date but, I still come across men who tend to mislead women...sometimes not intentionally.  Some are unaware of the affect they can have on women. Or maybe they are very aware and still don't feel any remorse to heartbreak, especially if they never asked a woman to be his lady.  Again, men do not think like we do, many times they act without thinking and leave us wondering, "What the hell is his doing?!"

Yes, fellas, I am usually hard on you guys but, I can still see the goodness in you...some of you.  Women do attach themselves to someone who they can see a potential future with.  We formulate an imaginary story of our lives together, hey, I never denied that we are crazy; we are. 😊 And we do bend our "limitations" for a man we really like.  We allow certain things that may not sit well with us to continue and cover it up with his sweet words or generous acts.  His simple words and actions help us overlook the concerns we have...yet it still doesn't lead us to a healthy relationship. 


You cannot accept that he has not claimed you as his girlfriend.  You cannot accept that he doesn't call you everyday.  You cannot accept that he doesn't check up on you.  You cannot accept that he doesn't make plans with you.  You cannot accept that he does not do for you in the same capacity that you do for him....BUT, you still hold on to him?

 You go through the process of showing him how good of a woman you are, how caring you can be, how much you consider him, and that you are willing to drop everything to come to his rescue.  Of course he will still allow you to cater to him and he will do what little he has to do to keep you holding on for hope.  He is getting all the benefits of being your boyfriend, without being your boyfriend.

Ladies, why do many of us fall victim to this?  Why are some of us not willing to accept that he doesn't want a girlfriend or more painful to accept that he just doesn't want YOU specifically?  Men have their preferences also.  You can do everything in the world that makes him smile, but if he does not feel that you are not the one, then you have to understand that.  And he can tell you that he doesn't want a relationship, just to spare any insult you may feel if he told you that he's just not that into you...then you see him months later publicly kissy faced with a woman...a woman who is not you.

It's OKAY ladies.  He wasn't the one for you either.  It just took you longer to let it set in.


☝☝☝ This is the problem ladies.

Yes, as I mentioned in this post, Love People, you should do the best you can for people and maybe do a little more for those you care about but, if you are only doing it in exchange for him to pay more attention to you and drop to his knees with the perfect ring, then it may not turn out they way you planned.  You cannot dictate someone else's future, even when you are mapping out your own.  If you want to do the most for him, okay, then do so but, don't get heartbroken when he doesn't reciprocate your affections into someone he wants to share his life with.

Walk the path you intended for yourself.  One day you'll look over and notice someone walking that same path, and guess what, it won't be a hassle for him to intertwine his journey with yours.

Love is hard. We can't predict it.  We are unaware when it happens and it consumes our logical thinking.  Why do we do it?....because humans are meant to love and be loved.

It's that "be loved" part that is a bit convoluted.  And yet, we still entertain the idea of it because it's one of the greatest emotions to have. 😞😟

- Love Raya


...if only we could clean off Love as we do our pores...
🢃🢃🢃


More reviews HERE.


EMAIL: xoxo.rayal@gmail.com

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November 17, 2016

I'm Married

I've been really perplexed about the feedback I got from my post about married men. (Read here) So, I decided to do an experiment...

If men are getting approached more with a ring, does a woman also get approached more?

I went and bought myself a wedding band and a nice little diamond ring...let's at least make it worth my wild.  My plan was to go out to places by myself, which wasn't a big deal since I already do this anyway.  I generally get approached by a few men and the conversations are of two single people; sometimes numbers are exchange but, rarely a second meeting comes from it...I'm still not there yet. The idea of this experiment was to still remain who I am, friendly, personable BUT, instead of saying I'm single, I'm telling everyone I'm married and hearing the response.

I went to 3 restaurants and 2 bars....


________________________________


Test Subject 1

On a Sunday night, I went to a sports bar.  It was pretty crowded and a bit loud.  Throughout, I notice a few people looking over as I sat with my left hand rested under my chin.  Only two men approached me.  One was drunk and didn't even notice my ring finger and as much as I talk with my hands, it's pretty hard to miss a shiny rock on an important finger.  Let's not count this guy.  The second guy came up and asked, "So, how long have you been married?"  I already prepared myself for all types of questions...

I've been married for a year, my husband is in sports medicine who travels a lot, and we met here in Houston 3 years ago.  My back story, I kept 95% true: previously married, bad divorce, has two children out of it, and my ex-husband and I are just now getting on great terms.

So as I was telling him about myself, he asked, Are you happy?

WTF? 👀 Is that a common question to ask a married woman?  I guess to give him some benefit of the doubt, I was at a bar myself, on a Sunday.  Although, I think that's still an odd question to ask and I wondered if that was a lead way question so I said, "Yes, I am very much in love with my husband but, I don't like that he travels a lot.  I miss him all the time."

Can you guess how the man responded?

"Well, if you are ever out alone again, you should let me know and I'd be happy to keep you company."

😐😐😐😐😐

As much as I wanted to choke this man, I gracefully replied, "That's very generous of you but, I'll be fine.  I knew when I got married that my husband would be traveling a lot but, he always makes up for the lost time when he comes home.

He shook my hand: Well, your husband is very lucky to have a woman who loves him.

Again, odd thing to say.

_______________________


Test Subject(s) 2

Tuesday evening after work, I went to a restaurant and sat at the bar area.  There was a 4 top of men beside me.  As they noticed no one was going to dine with me, one of them broke the ice:

Him: Eating alone? Where is your husband?
Me: Yes, my husband is out of town for work.

One of the other gentleman heard me and said, "Well, you shouldn't eat alone, come join us!"

I was reluctant but, the first guy was insistent that I would enjoy my meal better with other people, so I eventually pulled my chair over and became their 5th wheel.  Two of the men were married and I took the opportunity to drum up conversations about their marriage.  We tossed dialogue back and forth and my story was becoming more and more fabricated with imaginary trips my husband and I took and sweet things he did for me...yes, I'm horrible for using people as my guinea pigs...The other two single men would chime in when they could and make statements like how lucky my husband is and how he should be home with me more often because that's what they'd do.  I think between the two of them, they were trying to see which one could get my number since they kept asking me about any other places I go to where we may run into each other and have a good time....emphasizing the "good time." 😐

I could have been overthinking their intent, so I just told them if we run into each other, don't hesitate to say hi. *I felt that if they genuinely just wanted to make a new hang out friend, they would not have said anything suggestive and I'd be more willing to exchange numbers but, since I got the vibe that they'd test me, no go.

_____________________________


Test Subject 3

Thursday after work, I went to a common happy hour bar.  I ordered myself a cocktail and as I was waiting...

- Hello miss, how are you?
I'm well thank you, how are you?

- I'm great, you are really gorgeous, are you waiting for anyone?
No, I just got off of work and stopped for a drink before heading home.

(Then he saw the ring.)

- Oh, you're married?  Is your husband waiting at home for you?
Yes, been married for a year now and my husband travels a lot so he's currently in New York.

- How does that work out for the two of you? You must get lonely.
Well, he traveled a lot when we were just dating so I am used to this.

- Do you go out often?
I guess I go out more when he's not home because when he is home, I like to spend all my time with him.

- That's cool.  So do you have any male friends you hang out with.  Or is your husband okay with that? (Another one of those lead way questions.)
Many of my male friends are his friends but, I do have my own guy friends I catch up with every now and then.

- Well, how about adding another guy friend?  We can hang out and have fun.
*As innocent as his comment may be, I'm still not comfortable with accepting his invitation especially since he ended his sentence with...you don't have to tell your husband you made a new friend. 😐😐😐

To which I replied, "No, I'd let my husband know about all of this."

____________________________


Test Subject 4

Friday night, I went to one of my favorite spots to eat.  I ordered my food and there was a table of two young men next to me:

- Hey ma'am, that's a nice ring you have on.
Thank you, my husband thought so too when he bought it for me.

- How long have you been married?
(I gave them the story, added a few more details, I was getting good at this.)

- He's one lucky man to get someone like you.  Say, we're about to go to the next place, you should come with us since you're husband isn't home anyway.
Thank you but, I still want to be home. It was nice meeting you two.

_________________________________


Test Subject 5

Saturday night, last restaurant:

- Hello young lady, I notice you were here alone. 
(I raised my left hand to tug on my earring.) I am. How are you?

- Oh wow, look at that ring, he must really love you.
Well, he does know me fairly well.

- So do you work or does your husband take care of everything?
No, I have my own career.

- Do you have your own friends too? 
😐😐
Well, my husband and I do have our common friends and other friends whom we've had before we met.

- Do you want to make a new friend?
😐 (how the hell do I respond to that?!)
I have many friends sir but, if you see me again, definitely say hi.

_________________________________


Conclusion

No, I did not get approached more or less, the conversations are just different and more strategic on the part of the man who wants to test my fake marriage.  And apparently, telling a wife that her husband is lucky to have her is a common gesture.  Yet, what if I played the wife who does break when a man suggests a 'friendship'?  What if I played the part of a cheating wife?...No, that's not an experiment I'd do since I would still have to deal with the reality of my actions.  Side Note: Dear Future Husband, if I am anywhere without you, believe me, I am going to behave very much like how I behaved in this experiment and gracefully shut them all down and come home to you.

I think I'm going to continue to wear my rings.  It makes it easier to end the conversations.

- Love Raya


Dear Human who came up with the Monte Cristo sandwich at Wolfies,

I want walk barefooted on the beach with you and hold your hand. 
I want to recite poetry to you. I want to gaze into your soul. 

I love you. 💗

...until then, the world still makes sense.


EMAIL: xoxo.rayal@gmail.com

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November 13, 2016

Don't Ignore It

About 3 1/2 years ago when I was actually open to dating and considering a new relationship, I came across a man who looked good on paper...tall, stable, hard working, family oriented, yet his style was a bit questionable, overall he seemed like a good guy.

We dated for a short period of time until I noticed he had some control issues.  The highlighted text is just a glimpse of the things he would say.  He was never physically rough with me, it was just verbal.  He would make racially offensive comments on top of possessive statements but, I stopped communication with him early enough to avoid any possibility of things getting worse. 


And this just maybe the way he speaks to people, I don't know.  He has been divorced twice though, but he never said what occurred in those marriages to cause the divorce.

It's been almost 2 years since I last told him not to contact me anymore and he still continues.  I completely stopped responding to him since then.  I do not ever plan to see or speak to him again, so he can continue to text and call all he wants to.  There will be no response.


Sometimes when a woman pushes or walks away, it is not an invitation for a man to continue to pursue her.  Especially when she tells you several times in several different ways that she does not want to be involved with you any longer.  Or when she says she is not interested in you, that doesn't mean, "Try harder."

Ladies, just because a man continues to give you attention, doesn't mean he has the best intentions for you.  Sometimes we get roped into what a man does for us and what he is able to give us that we ignore the warnings.  He wanted me to move in with him, he wanted our families to blend.  Everything in his plan was what he wanted.  Even before I stopped seeing this guy, I let him know I was not comfortable with some of the things he would say; he laughed it off and did not take me seriously.  He made it seem like I was being too sensitive and couldn't take a joke.  I did not see his aggressive words as a joke and he did not consider this at all.  I did not have that much patience to see if things would be different and I was not going to continue dating someone who was unable to see me as an equal partner or take my concerns seriously.  I last saw this man before the holidays in 2014.  Don't ignore your own feelings just to get a ring.

- Love Raya



EMAIL: xoxo.rayal@gmail.com

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