I've been really perplexed about the feedback I got from my post about married men. (Read here) So, I decided to do an experiment...
If men are getting approached more with a ring, does a woman also get approached more?
I went and bought myself a wedding band and a nice little diamond ring...let's at least make it worth my wild. My plan was to go out to places by myself, which wasn't a big deal since I already do this anyway. I generally get approached by a few men and the conversations are of two single people; sometimes numbers are exchange but, rarely a second meeting comes from it...I'm still not there yet. The idea of this experiment was to still remain who I am, friendly, personable BUT, instead of saying I'm single, I'm telling everyone I'm married and hearing the response.
I went to 3 restaurants and 2 bars....
I went to 3 restaurants and 2 bars....
Test Subject 1
On a Sunday night, I went to a sports bar. It was pretty crowded and a bit loud. Throughout, I notice a few people looking over as I sat with my left hand rested under my chin. Only two men approached me. One was drunk and didn't even notice my ring finger and as much as I talk with my hands, it's pretty hard to miss a shiny rock on an important finger. Let's not count this guy. The second guy came up and asked, "So, how long have you been married?" I already prepared myself for all types of questions...
I've been married for a year, my husband is in sports medicine who travels a lot, and we met here in Houston 3 years ago. My back story, I kept 95% true: previously married, bad divorce, has two children out of it, and my ex-husband and I are just now getting on great terms.
So as I was telling him about myself, he asked, Are you happy?
WTF? 👀 Is that a common question to ask a married woman? I guess to give him some benefit of the doubt, I was at a bar myself, on a Sunday. Although, I think that's still an odd question to ask and I wondered if that was a lead way question so I said, "Yes, I am very much in love with my husband but, I don't like that he travels a lot. I miss him all the time."
Can you guess how the man responded?
"Well, if you are ever out alone again, you should let me know and I'd be happy to keep you company."
As much as I wanted to choke this man, I gracefully replied, "That's very generous of you but, I'll be fine. I knew when I got married that my husband would be traveling a lot but, he always makes up for the lost time when he comes home.
He shook my hand: Well, your husband is very lucky to have a woman who loves him.
Again, odd thing to say.
Test Subject(s) 2
Tuesday evening after work, I went to a restaurant and sat at the bar area. There was a 4 top of men beside me. As they noticed no one was going to dine with me, one of them broke the ice:
Him: Eating alone? Where is your husband?
Me: Yes, my husband is out of town for work.
One of the other gentleman heard me and said, "Well, you shouldn't eat alone, come join us!"
I was reluctant but, the first guy was insistent that I would enjoy my meal better with other people, so I eventually pulled my chair over and became their 5th wheel. Two of the men were married and I took the opportunity to drum up conversations about their marriage. We tossed dialogue back and forth and my story was becoming more and more fabricated with imaginary trips my husband and I took and sweet things he did for me...yes, I'm horrible for using people as my guinea pigs...The other two single men would chime in when they could and make statements like how lucky my husband is and how he should be home with me more often because that's what they'd do. I think between the two of them, they were trying to see which one could get my number since they kept asking me about any other places I go to where we may run into each other and have a good time....emphasizing the "good time." 😐
I could have been overthinking their intent, so I just told them if we run into each other, don't hesitate to say hi. *I felt that if they genuinely just wanted to make a new hang out friend, they would not have said anything suggestive and I'd be more willing to exchange numbers but, since I got the vibe that they'd test me, no go.
Test Subject 3
Thursday after work, I went to a common happy hour bar. I ordered myself a cocktail and as I was waiting...
- Hello miss, how are you?
I'm well thank you, how are you?
- I'm great, you are really gorgeous, are you waiting for anyone?
No, I just got off of work and stopped for a drink before heading home.
(Then he saw the ring.)
- Oh, you're married? Is your husband waiting at home for you?
Yes, been married for a year now and my husband travels a lot so he's currently in New York.
- How does that work out for the two of you? You must get lonely.
Well, he traveled a lot when we were just dating so I am used to this.
- Do you go out often?
I guess I go out more when he's not home because when he is home, I like to spend all my time with him.
- That's cool. So do you have any male friends you hang out with. Or is your husband okay with that? (Another one of those lead way questions.)
Many of my male friends are his friends but, I do have my own guy friends I catch up with every now and then.
- Well, how about adding another guy friend? We can hang out and have fun.
*As innocent as his comment may be, I'm still not comfortable with accepting his invitation especially since he ended his sentence with...you don't have to tell your husband you made a new friend. 😐😐😐
To which I replied, "No, I'd let my husband know about all of this."
Test Subject 4
Friday night, I went to one of my favorite spots to eat. I ordered my food and there was a table of two young men next to me:
- Hey ma'am, that's a nice ring you have on.
Thank you, my husband thought so too when he bought it for me.
- How long have you been married?
(I gave them the story, added a few more details, I was getting good at this.)
- He's one lucky man to get someone like you. Say, we're about to go to the next place, you should come with us since you're husband isn't home anyway.
Thank you but, I still want to be home. It was nice meeting you two.
Test Subject 5
Saturday night, last restaurant:
- Hello young lady, I notice you were here alone.
(I raised my left hand to tug on my earring.) I am. How are you?
- Oh wow, look at that ring, he must really love you.
Well, he does know me fairly well.
- So do you work or does your husband take care of everything?
No, I have my own career.
- Do you have your own friends too?
Well, my husband and I do have our common friends and other friends whom we've had before we met.
- Do you want to make a new friend?
😐 (how the hell do I respond to that?!)
I have many friends sir but, if you see me again, definitely say hi.
No, I did not get approached more or less, the conversations are just different and more strategic on the part of the man who wants to test my fake marriage. And apparently, telling a wife that her husband is lucky to have her is a common gesture. Yet, what if I played the wife who does break when a man suggests a 'friendship'? What if I played the part of a cheating wife?...No, that's not an experiment I'd do since I would still have to deal with the reality of my actions. Side Note: Dear Future Husband, if I am anywhere without you, believe me, I am going to behave very much like how I behaved in this experiment and gracefully shut them all down and come home to you.
I think I'm going to continue to wear my rings. It makes it easier to end the conversations.
- Love Raya
Dear Human who came up with the Monte Cristo sandwich at Wolfies,
I want walk barefooted on the beach with you and hold your hand.
I want to recite poetry to you. I want to gaze into your soul.
I love you. 💗
...until then, the world still makes sense.