I like to think I communicate well, but the thing is, I am not the only one contributing to the dialogue. How I communicate will not be the same as how someone else communicates. What I say may not be received as I intended it; and this is where the conflict can arise. When someone is trying to express something to me, I learned not to immediately reply, especially if what they are saying needs assessment. I try to break down what they are trying to express and do my best to translate it to my own understanding, not just of the words, but the person too, what I know about the person, and what I feel their intentions are.
We tend to have different ways we communicate with people depending on the relationship we share with them. For me, I break it down to 2 categories with several subcategories: Personal & Professional.
Personal: Family, Friends, Companion (Romantic), Casual Acquaintances
Professional: Workmates, Colleagues, Networking Contacts
My vernacular and cadence of speech change depending on who I am speaking with. And each variant comes with its own obstacles because again, what I say may not be received how I intended it. People not only communicate differently, but they also understand at different levels. And how much I communicate with some also depends on my connection or relation to them. If I'm working on a big project then I may communicate with people I work with more often throughout the day or week. And of course I speak with my family routinely. And lastly with someone I’m involved with, I’ll speak with him often as well.
I try to make adequate time for everyone, but here is one thing I don’t much like. If someone is trying to reach me and I don't answer or respond right away, I don’t like for that person to make me feel bad about not being readily available. Like have you ever had someone make comments to you like, “You must have been doing something more important.” or something along those lines all because you did catch their call right away? Or maybe that same person won't answer your call right away out of spite? Or if they do answer, they're dry with you. You ever had to deal with that? It sounds a bit controlling, doesn’t it? I don’t want to develop anxiety anytime I miss someone's call because I know they’ll make a snide remark about it. I think that's called emotional manipulation. 🤔
Anyway, let's move on. I think the best way to communicate is to actually communicate and practice active listening. We cannot all speak at the same time and we cannot always think only our words matter. It is a collaborative effort.
If I want to be heard, I have to listen and I hope the person I'm speaking with will take the time and listen to me as well and not just retort back to their point of view. Healthy communication is about opening your understanding to allow someone else's perspective to come in.
Speaking loudly, aggressively, or hollering doesn't get you anywhere and infact you’ll be heard less. Speaking over someone has the same effect. Aside from listening, time and patience are also key factors in communication. You don’t have to always automatically respond. Listen, be patient and give words time to process. If someone is expressing how they feel to you, don't just jump at the first chance to speak your part. Let their words sit before you respond. And when you do respond, try to acknowledge what you understood of their words so they feel heard. But if you're not getting that same grace in return when you speak, then the commutation is one sided and can again be considered as emotional manipulation.
But let’s not confuse this when someone is upset and trying to vent, whether it's because they are having a bad day, going through something personal, or the two of you are dealing with some issues, this type of conversation isn't one that you should turn into a competition as to who had the worst day, or who has had worse experiences, or who is more wrong or who is more hurt. No, if someone is venting, let them vent. It may sound like a mess coming out, but people just need to vent the best way they can. I do this sometimes, when I'm stressed or overwhelmed, my words may get mixed up and not make sense, but this doesn't mean my emotions aren't valid or that I don't know what I’m saying. Sometimes I just need to say things out loud to be heard to I can better to figure out how to make it make sense. I know, that does sound confusing, but sometimes communicating is confusing. Especially, when you're trying to find the best way to let someone know how you feel without them misunderstanding your message.
At the end of the day, the best thing we can do for each other is to find healthy avenues of communication.