PRE THOUGHT: If I’m being friendly towards you and you start getting too comfortable with me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, I'm going to move differently around you thereafter. I’m not going to continue to do things that allow you to keep thinking you can get closer to me. And my “Unorthodox Conversationalist Partner”( 😏 see previous post) put this in my mind… So, the same scenario for you men: If a woman is being extra friendly towards you and even though you may not think much of it, she may believe that she has something special with you if you keep acting like you’re okay with her advances. Are you indirectly encouraging her to be extra friendly with you?…and that, my loves, is the misconception.
There's a way you hug your friends and then there a way you hug your “friends”.
You long time readers know that I'm very reasonable and don't take myself too seriously. I slightly mentioned before that I tolerate people more than I like them. Let's get into what I mean by that.
I'm very friendly and welcoming. I like to enjoy myself when I'm out, but depending on who I'm around and how I’m feeling there’s a limit to all I'm willing to do. If you're not part of my inner circle or we're not that close of friends or I just met you, there’s a certain comfort level that I'm not going to step out of. Especially if you're new to me and we don’t have any mutual friends who can vouch for the type of person you are, I'm going to stay alert around you.
Listen, and I don't mean this in a rude way, but if I don't make any more friends in life, I'm okay with that. I have my range and my circle of friends. I really don’t need any more.
I'm not fond of new people who are too eager to want to become close friends with me so quickly. It feels forced and I don’t like anything that's forced. Let it happen naturally (I feel the same with romantic relationships too). Don’t try to welcome yourself into other parts of my life or plans I have especially if I did not invite you or it wasn’t an open invitation. -- No. Don't do that. You can give me clues that may let me know you would like to join me, but if I don't welcome you, I have my reasons for it and those reasons can vary from, this is something I'm doing with my other friends, this is something private, or this is something I want to do by myself. So don't get offended if I don’t want you to join me, and if you get offended then we're definitely not going to be close because there's a lot of things that I do without other people. Those who know me well know that I mean no harm, I just don't always need friends around me.
We're not kids where you quickly make friends with someone at recess and then you're hanging out all the time, all day, everyday. No, I have a full life, a robust career, a doctorates I’m trying to achieve and 2 kids I’m raising between all of that. I need my space to do other things, be around people who know me well, and be with myself. And I have low tolerance for people who don't respect that.
I also don’t like people who try to benefit off me for their own personal gain or try to improve their lives because of me. Let me explain this. I’m going to use the word “opportunist” and there's nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself, but when you are trying to elevate your life off of someone else, it’s not a good look. For example, someone told me one of the last time they went out they spent a few thousand dollars on their tab. And I don’t fault them because there have been nights where I’ve spent that much because I’m just having a good time. Although, I know I have to be careful with that because some people will see you doing things like that and look to you to give them that same experience every time. — That's what I don’t like. Don’t think that just because I went all out this time and you enjoyed it that it’s going to happen every time, especially if you are not in my inner circle, because my inner circle knows that I have my moments of being frivolous with money or just keeping it simple. I don’t like when I’m expected to provide people a great time. I set the mood for myself and you if match my energy then then we all have a great time, but ultimately you are responsible for your fun; not me.
And this is for everyone, know your tolerance levels, they are the same as your boundaries, so be clear with people about them and if they need more clarity, try to find a way to tell them so they understand, but offer that one time courtesy, unless you have a very close relationship with someone, don’t keep explaining yourself. You can step out of your comfort zone, I do encourage that every so often, but don't let anyone force their way into your personal aura because that's yours and you’ve tailored that to make it to fit you and your interests, not anyone else's. And romantically, if you do find someone to share your aura with, you still have to be clear with what you want and make compromises that benefit both of you. 😉
