Calming Yourself

Does counting to 10 work for you? Because it sure as hell doesn’t work for me. And telling someone to “Calm down” has NEVER worked.

Sometimes we get pulled into a situation we cannot control and we have a choice on how to react. The first best thing you can do is Breathe. Drown out the noise if you can and take deep breathes for a few seconds, allow your mind to go blank, then you respond.

We cannot help ourselves every time and none of us are beyond “flipping all this shit over” (I'm definitely not, just ask anyone whose seen me in my worst behavior) but at least we can know how to be better by learning to identify what to do in an uncomfortable scenario or headspace.

The second best thing to do is remove yourself, physically or mentally.

If you are in a space you can control, here are some tips to help to clam down and stay calm. After taking a few deep breathes…

Think it Through

Have a mantra to use in critical situations. Make sure it’s one that you find helpful. Ask yourself, “How important is this?” This helps shift the focus for you to “reality test” the situation.

On a level between 1-10 of frustration or confusion we become hyper-focused on the cause when we are on 10, and rational thoughts leave our mind. Having a good mantra give us an opportunity to allow rational thought to come back and lead to a better outcome.

Break Away

Take a walk, get some fresh air. A bad situation can make you feel confined. If you’re feeling tense and the space you’re in feels like it’s getting smaller, hot or stuffy, it can trigger a panic attack or effect your anxiety levels. Remove yourself from that environment as soon as possible and take a moment just for you, even if it’s just for a few minutes.

Not only will the break away help calm you down, but also the change of scenery can sometimes interrupt your anxious or angry thought process

Relax Your Body

Everything can feel tense when we are upset. Practicing progressive muscle relaxation can help you calm down and center yourself. Drop your shoulders, comfortably turn your neck, and if you can, lie down. Don’t use a pillow and don’t cross your arms or legs. Lay flat with your arms to the sides, close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

Eat Something

Sometimes when your body is drained of food or water it effects your thinking and rational behavior. Even grabbing a snack can make you feel better or focus on what to do next.

Other Techniques that can Help:

• Massage Therapy - Let someone push out your tension

• Therapy - Talk to a professional

• Call a Friend - Have at least one person who you can confide in and who just won’t “okay” you but also give you some insight from a different perspective

• Listen to music - Music does heal, put on something relaxing (I have jazz vinyl records and specific playlists for certain moods).

• Turn off the World - Sometimes you just have to give yourself time and block out everything around you for a few hours or even a few days

• Take a Trip - Go away for the weekend, whether by yourself or with someone/people you enjoy (I specifically put money aside for small getaways, because fck, life can be too much sometimes).

• Supplements - Sometimes there is a chemical imbalance in your brain and you can take supplements to help you ease yourself. Below are links to a few vitamins that may help (consult with a medical professional for more information)

  • Stress Relief

  • Hormone Balance

  • Mood Stabler

How you calm yourself has to be healthy and effective. I used to have the issue of allowing what people think of me to determine how I act or the decisions I make. For instance, I would not get close to certain people because of what others may say or I would not doing certain things because of what someone may label me as. Eventually, I had to learn to choose what keeps me afloat and sailing. Those who care about me will have to accept that if it makes me happy and gives me good energy, then there should not be any flack (although, people will always have an opinion on what you do, so just do it anyway).

The key to calming yourself is taking your mind away from a matter so you can refocus and make the best decisions for you. And the great thing about free will is that you can always change your mind too. What you feel isn’t good for you today can maybe be good for you tomorrow. 🤷🏽‍♀️

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Women and The Sum of All Fears

There has always been and unfortunately may always be a stigma of women not being held to the same regards as men even if we hold more leverage. The importance of our value and safety is considered but not always sought through. Women don't like to be limited in what they can do and we also don't like to be regarded in less significant categories. Sometimes when I speak to my male friends about these concerns, I get shut down. I don't blame them because in truth, it's not their reality.

It's no secret that we women share advice and tips amongst ourselves on how to achieve goals and sadly, on how to be safe. For instance, what to be mindful of if we are getting into an Uber or Lyft alone, where not to walk alone at night, how to be aware of the people around us, etc. I'm sure men do all the same but, between a man and a woman, there is only one who is seen as the easier target.

Here is a loaded thought for you, sometimes when men feel a woman can handle things on her own, she becomes a less concern for him, he doesn't get too involved, and he doesn't offer much comfort...does this make him admirable or should he always express some type of support?

Even doing simple routines like going to the gym can ward off women. Two years ago I did not renew my gym membership because more times than not, a man would try to drum up conversations with me while I was in the middle of a workout, wanting to know about my life and ease in some type of way to ask me to dinner. I got more annoyed every time. It was a 24 hour gym and I never went at night. I'm not saying you cannot find meaningful relationships at the gym, but that isn't why I signed up for one. It is not much different when I dine alone or head to get cocktails on my own. I learned most men do not read body language all too well, whether they don't want to feel rejected or they are just oblivious. And sometimes we are called names when we don't show equal interest in a man. I'm also not saying that all men have ulterior motives, but as a woman we can never be too sure.

Sometimes I get so disgusted with the male race that I do not understand the purpose of being attracted to them other than to procreate and open a jar. They don't listen to us, they gaslight us, they call us crazy, they turn their backs on us, they confuse us, they take us for granted, they underplay our value, they lie to us, they put us against other women, and sometimes they hurt us. When Lizzo sang, "I got boy problems, that's the human in me" -- pretty sure every woman felt that line for every reason, good, bad, and in between.

On a more dim angle of this topic, you will most likely lose count on how many times you have seen news reports of women being mistreated, attacked, disappearing, and worse. Several years ago, I read a college student was getting groceries at night and while walking to her car she was abducted. Luckily she was able to be saved but imagine the thoughts going through her mind during that time and how she may be traumatized anytime she is somewhere by herself. Another report I read was about a mother of three from my hometown who disappeared and still has not been found. How about the many reports of women being attacked while running in a public park. I once overheard a woman telling her friend that she did her jog later in the day and a man she did not know remarked, "This isn't your normal time." -- That's a little scary, huh? It's one thing if someone I've known for a long time knows my routine and the places I frequent but, it's a little odd for a stranger to keep tabs on you. So, for our own safety we can't be predictable and we can't always rely on men to protect us.

Here are some statistics on crimes against women:

• now.org

• ncadv.org

• statusofwomendata.org

Maybe the reason why most of us women overthink is because we've been conditioned to and it bleeds into everything else in our lives -- because our first instinct is to protect ourselves (body, mind, and heart): Am I safe?, Can I trust him?, Am I comfortable with this?, Is this right?, Should I go?, Who should I tell? And maybe the reason some women advocate for other women to succeed is because we know what it means to be a woman. A friend said men are capricious, I think that is only partially accurate and men are not as vocal as women are which may be why they see us as being dramatic or even problematic. I truly believe men could not handle our lives and I would not want to be anything other than a woman.

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Women

Women's History Month is an annual declared month that highlights the contributions of women to events in history and contemporary society. It is celebrated during March in the United States, the United Kingdom, and Australia, corresponding with International Women's Day on March 8th.

What does it mean to be a woman?

Does it mean we get the shorter end of the stick, that we eat last, that we support others before supporting ourselves, that we adhere to society's standards?

No.

Being a woman means we wield more power that what we realized. We are more needed than what some of our predecessors may have acknowledged. We are more intuitive, more intelligent, and more willing than ever before.

When we play by the rules, we're good. When we defy the odds we're better.

It's no longer the men who are dominant, women have taken the role of stepping forward and making a difference.

At home, we manage our households and everything that’s included. In business, we keep climbing ladders and everything that’s included in that. In between those realms, we juggle our hopes, dreams, ambitions, right next to our friends, families, relationships, and inner peace. There's an abundance of expectations for women, especially when we're hard workers, dependable, and supportive. We are constantly at battle to prove that we can handle whatever life may throw at us. We deal with so many obstacles as women; some in public, some in private. That's why I can’t stand for people to say to me, "I can't deal with this." You can’t deal with what? Life? Especially, people who volunteered themselves to you in some way and now want to recant. Well, I'm sorry YOU cAn'T dEaL and I’m sorry I'm not as easy as you want me to be, actually, No, I’m not sorry about that but, I know a few places where you can pick up some easy women who don’t have a their minds full, should I send you some info? I have no patience for fair weather people whom are only around when things are good or just to feed their narcissistic needs.

You men aren't the only ones who do things around here, let's be very clear about that. Unless it's a young girl working entry level retail still finding her way in life and needs a little assistance, Women who've started laying down platforms have a lot to think about too. So save me the bullshit about you not being able to deal. I run circles around your life because I get my recommended six to eight hours of sleep so that my cognition and my consciousness stay healthy.

People (men) who think they can just push through all the time aren’t taking care of themselves and are in denial of it. Having the discipline to wake up early at the same time everyday is a success move, but not getting enough sleep is foolish and becomes detrimental to your health which further affects everything you do. One of the books I’m reading called “Why We Sleep” by Matthew Walker PhD goes into extreme detail about why giving your body rest is important in our efforts to take on the world. When you don’t get enough rest, it affects your eating habits, your hastiness, your ability to hold constructive conversations, your patience to understanding, your memory, it can also impact mood swings and lead to depression, anxiety, or even long term neurological disorders. Your brain becomes ‘simple’ and it gets harder for you to handle complex thoughts, let alone complex situations. Ya see where I’m going here? I’m not pulling tricks out of a magic hat, there’s been extensive research on this. I wrote about getting rest last year and it is still relevant, see HERE. Why do you think women are such strong advocates of “Self-Care”? We didn’t make up this notion just to have an excuse to go to the spa and take vacations. There is a science behind it and we proactively study it. You need time for yourself? Take it. You want to just hang out with the boys? Do it. You want alone time with you and your kids? I encourage it. You can't be the best you if you don't give back to yourself. And if you are not the best You, then you're half-ass to everyone else.

With me being the type of woman that I am, I'm not for the weak, I want the best for people but, if you are not willing to help yourself, I can only take but so much until I need to save myself. My personality is strong, I don't always listen and I talk back more than I should, but I am aware of myself and agree that there are aspects of me that others find difficult to understand. I also don't ask for much and don't require much attention. I match energies, if you get bold, I get bolder. If you don't trust me, I definitely don't have much in you either. It goes to the old saying, “Treat others how you want to be treated.” Don't expect something that you are not willing to give in return. And if you have someone who is always giving without asking for much back, consider them a blessing. I've learned that asking little of someone can be asking too much of the wrong person.

Women have always found a way. If not for themselves, then for others. We find the strength, the courage, the confidence, and the resources to shape what is needed for us to be well. Men may mock us for overthinking or being too intuitive, but many of us women like strategy and backup plans. Think of this, if women didn’t have so many options for birth control, how much effort would men really take to protect themselves? …………? …………..? When it comes to being taught about how to live and care for ourselves, girls are given different lessons from the boys. It's no secret that girls mature quicker than their counterpart, so when the older man is pursuing the younger woman, who should know better?

With many of us embarking into our own businesses or landing executive roles, we are paving the way for other women to do the same, but we hold the responsibility of setting the standards so that the next woman can achieve the same success. We can't get too comfortable. We can't give people reasons to lose confidence in what women are capable of. We also can't mix business with pleasure, that's one of the tops rules of success. And as far as dating goes, women should date across or up and never down, but dating where you work or do business....ummm, doesn't always work out for the best. Related post HERE.

As far as we have come and as much as we have accomplished, Women still have long roads ahead. Here's to us, the battles we've won, the battles we've lost, and the battles we've yet to face. Let the weak stay in the back to learn from our examples. Let the strong be our mentors and lead us up.

Previous Post: “Power Couples”

Related Women’s Topics: Working as a Single Parent to Make it all WORK... | Business Woman to Business Wife | The Busy Woman | The Boys Club

"Some of y'all ain't never had a real b*tch and it shows..." - Jhene Aiko

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In loving memory of a supportive friend who was never anything less…

Waiting for Who?

I don't date, not because there is not any suitable men.  There are plenty.  

I don't date, not because I'm secretly wanting my ex to come back around.  He already tried and it ain't happening.  

I don't date, not because I think I'm not worthy of a good man.   I'll make any man happy and proud.  

I don't date, not because my standards are too high or I'm superficial.  My wants fit the lifestyle which I've accustomed myself to.  

I don't date, not because I'm "waiting".  Waiting for who?

No, I don't date because I have a list of ventures I need to achieve before giving my time and attention to someone other than myself and my children.

I'm still BUSY.

And the audacity of some men to think or assume that a single woman is single because there is something wrong with her is asinine! Or that she is putting more strain on herself by remaining single is more ridiculous!  How about you fools SEE ME LESS!

What I've witnessed from the past 6 years of being single is that some men say they like a woman who is ambitious, keeps a steady schedule, and wants the most out of life, but when the man wants attention that isn't available to give, there is a problem.  I don't tolerate problems, especially if I'm not dating you and if I don't consider you any kind of friend then I don't owe you any of my attention.  And I'm not apologetic about it.

Don't get me wrong, there are men who are very understanding and I appreciate them, they applaud my growth and want me to be amazing; they accept me as I am and give me my space to be great, but these other men....need to stay out of my path.

Let me tell you something...."I'm not over here waiting to be rescued.  There is nothing wrong with my self-esteem, if anything, my self-esteem is too high!  I like my life and I like my progress.  Is it perfect? NO.  Is it easy? NO.  But, I'm not complaining and I'm surely not about to have some man come in and change or dictate everything that I've done and I also won't let him come into my life and reap all my benefits without providing equivalency or stability."

I don't ask for much because I'm getting it myself but, if you cannot ADD value, then don't try to take value from me.